I can I know

Koh Samui, Thailand ~ November 2024

My Brain Hurts

I think stories through in my head and then I forget them before I can force them out of my mind and into words on a page or a screen. It’s really hard to rethink thoughts that were already perfect the first time around. You know that they were, and you know that now they are not, and you cannot seem to figure out how to make them perfect again and that drives me crazy and frustrates me to no end and stops me from getting through a story because I get stuck. Sometimes I can push past that and sometimes I have to keep trying and hoping. Sometimes I am still not successful and it doesn’t get written. At least not yet written. Maybe there is always still some hope. Maybe. And in the maybe lies the hope.

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Does the above paragraph switch from first person to second and then back again? Yes, it does. Is is grammatically correct? No, it is not. But that is the way it was written and that is the way it shall remain. Because I like it.

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Everything is the Same, Everything is Different

Coming back to Thailand two years later has been one of the most remarkable experiences I have had in my life. I am not the same person this time around. I am healthier, happier, more alive. The way I experience myself and my surroundings has changed, my capacity for experiencing things in general has grown, and my ability to be in the present moment, whichever type of moment that may happen to be, has absolutely evolved.

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~ unfinished story ~

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Cedarhurst, New York ~ March 2025

Sometimes I go back and find things. In various states of completion. Spelling and grammar just doing whatever. Pages and pages of words deemed “not good enough”, discarded, never to be looked at again. Until I do look. And some of the things in my personal trash, quite honestly, do not belong there. As far from perfect as it all is, there are some very specifically excellent things mixed in. So I take them out. Sometimes. Maybe there is always still some hope.

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The frustration, 
the sadness, 
the overwhelming joy 
that pops up less and less often lately, but often enough that I haven’t forgotten it.
I want that back

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