I can I know

I love words. I have a ridiculously hard time with words. This has been a theme all my life.

Lucky for me, I have a good-sized collection of pre-written words, amassed through the years, on various topics and in various stages of ready-to-go-ness.

For the purposes of this blog post, I’m choosing to use the words as they are, with minimal to no changes. There’s something about noticing the subtle shift in my perspective as I write about the same exact thing over time.

Apparently, I’ve got a lot to say about my inability to say anything.

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A Collection of Thoughts on Words

1/1/2020
Montreal, Quebec

Locked up words and tight packed thoughts,
Flying brilliance.
Confusion;
My voice is a merry-go-round inside my head.

Words strung together, like beads on a string;
Never complete.
Falling.
My consciousness is the knot that came untied.

Ideas rush in, forming nothing and greatness;
Wordless conversation.
Fading.
Coherent is a word I do not know.

Locked up words and thoughts find voices,
Sense from non-sense. 
Terror;
My mind is a prisoner breaking free

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8/14/2021
Brooklyn, New York

I have so many words and thoughts inside of me that I don’t quite know how to get out. I want to so badly. And I try to do it. But I don’t know how. It’s really hard.

Feels like something is physically preventing me from forming my thoughts into words and then into written words. I get very hung up on words when they are written. Like now. I need everything to be perfect. Every sentence just so. Everything must sound and look right. So I get caught on one sentence. And lose my train of thought. 

There is so much more in my head than I can possibly ever clearly get out. 
I watch myself give up on expressing myself time after time because the effort it takes to do so is enormous both mentally and physically. So it's easier to just not. And sometimes I get sad for a while, wishing I could somehow share what’s on my mind. But for better or worse, it passes. And time moves on.

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11/5/2022
Koh Samui, Thailand

The words are locked within me
I don’t even know what they are
Sometimes.
I’m tired of living in this head
It isn’t kind to me
It’s exhausting.

In this body is hell
It's too loud, too strong, too much
Not enough.
Movements not always my own
Stillness I did not choose
Uncontrollable 
Control.

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4/28/2023
Ubud, Bali

The words are stuck
I need to find the right time and I don’t think this is it
Maybe it's not giving up
Maybe it's just accepting reality
Not getting mad at it
Going with it
Trying again
Another time

An important lesson

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3/12/24
Long Island, New York

You can’t know if you won’t try

I lose my words all the time
And so far, I find them again

Sometimes only in the written form
Although I guess that that is ok too

I hope it is ok. Because it’s the way that it’s gonna be. It’s the way that it is. It’s the way that I am. And I’d like the way that I am to be ok. Acceptable.

I still have so much fear. It didn’t just disappear. It’s different, but also still there.

Also ok. Just keep trying. As long as I am still trying.

The world is a very beautiful place filled with some really terrible things.

Beauty and terror. It’s both.