I can I know

I landed in Koh Samui with all of my luggage and all of my anxiety. A driver holding a sign with my name on it was waiting at the airport to take me to my new home on the beach. The plan was to stay here for a month.

I’ve never been a huge fan of spending time on beaches. They were beautiful to look at, sure, but sand and I were not friends. I struggled with the feeling of sand on my feet, between my toes, the grittiness against my skin.

I worried about how it would feel and whether it would get inside my room. (It did. I survived.)

I worried about the sand before I even arrived.

I knew nobody on this island, and I had absolutely no idea how things were going to unfold. I was excited, terrified, hopeful.

Sharon was waiting for me out on the street. I didn’t know Sharon, a friend of a friend of mine who had made the recommendation that got me to this little bungalow on Lamai Beach. To me, she was a complete stranger. But stranger or not, from that moment on, this wonderful woman took it upon herself to do everything she could to ensure my stay was the best it could be, and I am forever grateful.

Fortunately for me, Sharon had a dog, Bella. The best girl. The most welcoming of welcoming committees I could have possibly hoped for.

I remember bending down to pet Bella, still out on the curb with my luggage, and immediately feeling better. Animals have a way of making me feel comfortable in the most unlikely of places, and my relief and joy at meeting her was an instant part of making me feel just a tiny bit more at home.

Over the next few months, Bella would visit me often. Lick my face, sit with me a while, and run off.

I was pleased with my new neighbors.

A few days later, I woke up bright and early in the afternoon, it must have been at least 2 pm, and opened my curtains to let the light in. The sun was shining, the waves crashing over the sand, Bella and the beach dogs were playing, and I was first getting up.

Sharon was just outside my room showing someone around. She called me over, introduced me to this new scary stranger. Before I knew it, she had me exchanging numbers with the stranger, with plans to meet up soon to discuss our chances of working together. On what, I couldn’t at the time recall. I’m sure that it was mentioned, I have no doubt that it was, but me and my anxiety brain couldn’t hold on to that information. Despite this, I agreed. The stranger agreed. It was settled.

I distinctly remember telling my therapist about this new turn of events. “I’m meeting this person tomorrow to see if she can help me. With something. I can’t remember what it is that she does and at this point I’m too scared to ask.”

And so it was that I met Shayla.

Turns out, the help being offered was life coaching sessions, a thing I certainly could use. And lonely as I was, and desperate as I was to make my time here worth it, I accepted. If only just to have another human come and interact with me a couple of times, I told myself. Even if I learn nothing and make zero progress, that alone will be worth it. Essentially, I was willing to pay someone to come and be my friend.

Shayla wasn’t my friend though. She is today, but she wasn’t then. And we would know each other for a grand total of 2 weeks before she was due to leave the island. But she was a damn good coach. She went above and beyond in so many ways, taking me to gym classes (which if you knew me at all back then was completely crazy!), inviting me to dinner with her friends, introducing me to a woman in dog rescue who I could volunteer with (I went once).

I did these things to varying degrees of successfulness, but I’ve learned that most of success lies in simply being willing to try.

I may not have become a changed person overnight, but every effort I made, every single tiny accomplishment, has led me on the path to where I am today. A path I could not, at that point in my life, have walked alone. Luckily for me, I didn’t have to.

Shayla got me to start journaling daily, something I keep up with nearly 2 years later. Shayla is the one who helped me get clear on my desire to extend my stay in Thailand for an additional 2 months and then book a flight onwards to Bali.

Shayla is the one who got me walking on the sand.

I was taking the first steps towards making the uncomfortable, comfortable.

One tiny step at a time.

During my time on Samui, I took advantage of Thailand’s (then) newly established cannabis laws to fall back into some familiar habits. Weed shops were everywhere. But simply walking into a shop and having a look around was an entirely difficult concept for me. Even today, I tend to look up unfamiliar places before visiting, read the menus to death, view every single photo and review, and then often still not be brave enough to go.

So I was incredibly proud of myself when I spontaneously walked into a shop one day, a shop I’d never noticed before, had not read a single review on.

The woman running the place was immediately kind. She helped me decide what I wanted and as I was leaving, invited me to come back anytime and chill with her at the shop. My therapist, and my new life coach, had been drilling me lately on the value of saying yes and taking all the opportunities. With this in mind, and going against my every instinct to run away when someone shows the slightest signs of being nice for no reason, I went back a few days later. And then again, and again.

Today, Pooh and I are good friends. All because I was willing to leave my room, take a walk, take a chance.

I remember the first time I truly, fully, completely, felt comfortable in Thailand. I was sitting on the yellow bean bag in my friends’ shop, with Pooh and her boyfriend, just hanging out. In that moment, I was myself. My entire weird and genuine self. No shows, no pretending. In that moment, it felt effortless. Peaceful. Comfortable. I was content. Dare I say, happy?

My life was suddenly infinitely better. I had a friend on this side of the world.

In that moment, I realized I was no longer alone.

It took so much to get me here. I needed my therapist to get me to Thailand, where I met Sharon, who introduced me to Shayla, who got me to leave my room, where I then was able to meet Pooh, my first real friend I was to make on this journey, who helped me feel like life was worth living again. Take out any one of these people, and I wouldn’t be where I am today.

In that moment, I knew I would be ok.

---

**All people (and dogs) mentioned here by name have given their explicit permission for me to do so.**