I can I know

Waking up in Ubud, Bali is not the same as waking up in Brooklyn, New York.
It’s 6 a.m. and the sun is rising, peeking out in shining rays behind the coconut palms.
I throw open my curtains, letting it all in, the contrast is startling, each day anew.
The tiny colorful singing birds, orange and yellow and green, flitting peacefully among the branches.
The air is warm and cool all at once, fresh, invigorating. Roosters crowing, monkeys chattering,
juxtaposing sounds of construction and nature and chaos and life. I’m alive.

My balcony overlooks the treetops, wrapping around the house to the rice fields behind.
At any given time, there’s a monkey or three, playing on the rooftops, swinging off the railings.
I carefully avoid them as I make my morning coffee, it’s become a meditation of sorts.
Living side by side with these beautiful creatures, both terrifying and completely fascinating.
A far cry from my dark kitchen 10,000 miles away. I’m told the same sun shines in New York,
but somehow, I never truly saw it. Somehow, I never could quite let it in.

There’s something about being awake in the morning hours that brings joy to my soul.
This coming from the girl who regularly slept until 2 p.m., dreading the day, avoiding the light.
Depression and anxiety kept me locked up inside, waking and drifting back off into nothingness.
I couldn’t understand another way of being. I didn’t understand how people did it.
Sleeping all day and uncomfortably awake all night. It took everything in me to turn that around,
to wake up, despite everything. Change doesn’t happen by accident.

I arrived in Bali on January 12th, 2023, with the help of some amazing people and a whole lot of trust.
It could have gone a million different ways, but it went exactly the way it was meant to.
For eight months, I tried my absolute best, even on the days that I didn’t. I learned to open my eyes.
With nothing to lose and everything to gain, I slowly, painfully, nonlinearly, began to crack.
My story isn’t over yet; some days I think it’s really only just beginning. The sun shines over here,
and I started to see it. Really see it.

The dread in my heart is all but gone. I’m home.