I can I know

Depression in 2024

I am no stranger to the dark and the sad, to the depths of painful expression
Most of my life it was all that I knew, but for windows of respite, pockets of light

It isn’t unfamiliar. It is unwelcome.

When I am well, I do all of the things that I know I will need when I am less well
I’ve spent days, weeks, months, years, challenging myself with the impossible
Doing the things, doing my best, falling hard, trying again

Over time, the impossible becomes possible
The hard changes, the goals move, the challenges level up. Hard as hell and doable

The necessary steps come easier now.

There is something to be said for repetition, repetition, repetition
There is something to be said for the fact that my life has gotten so much better that this depression catches me by surprise

It isn’t unfamiliar. It is very unwelcome.

It’s different today because my tools are second nature. I have an advantage over the dark
I get up and I go and it doesn’t kill me because it’s become so routine

The amount of energy needed to perform a task is significant when you are running on empty
I am grateful for the automatic

I’ve worked hard for this. Too hard to give it up.

The depression is different this time
It fights just as hard, but it’s met its match. I am stronger now.